On Winter’s Edge

I played in game called Winter’s Edge with a group of great people for almost a year. We switched systems, we got to enjoy each other very  much and over the months of hilarity, I kept track of some of the funny stuff we said. After cracking up about it this morning, I thought I’d put it all together in a format that we could all appreciate. So here are some of the COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTEXT quotes that made our game hilarious.

And thanks Adrienne, Crystal, Jay, Scott, Travis and Wes for a lot of great fun and laughter.

Second Session:

“And if this was 1st or 2nd edition, I’d be done for the day. ‘Guess  I’ll read a book.’” -Jay

 

 “I’m still learning how to dog well.” -Wes

 

 “Poor goblin 3. He was my favorite.” -Scott

 

“The last thing to pass through his mind was, well, the warhammer.” -Scott

 “This goblin brought a shortbow to a hammer fight!”-Joe

“A small-sized shortbow, no less.” -Travis

“Yeah! And this is a regular sized hammer!” -Joe

 

“I’m getting better at dog!” -Wes

“Dog XP+5” -Travis

 

“He’s just a goblin. Who cares!?! It’s not like he’s Goblin 3.” -Scott

 

“It’s a cloudy afternoon.” -Scott

“With a chance of meatballs?” -Adrienne

“……..no comment.” -Scott

 

“Unfortunately in Goblin, nodding means no!” -Scott

 

“They left the clothes? So, NOT another party of adventurers.” -Jay

 

“Is that a perform mime check?” -Wes

 

“So he’s evil, but he’s not a dick about it.” -Travis

 

“There is only so much beef jerky can fix.” -Joe

“Although beef jerky is the most apologetic of the beef products.” -Scott

 

“Roleplaying is stabbing the other PCs in the back with an accent.” -Jay

 

“And they killed a warband of elves and we are not a warband.” -Joe

“Nor are we all elves.” -Wesley

“But you do all have PC levels.” -Scott

“That’s gotta count for something.” -Joe

 

“He’s rolling, we’re f-ed!!!” -Adrienne

 

“That’s one of the few Angry things you’ve said that I was like, oh God yes, you’re right.” -Adrienne

“The night passes uneventfully…” -Scott

“HOORAY!” -the party

“…save for the fact…”-Scott

“Awwwww.”-the party

 

“Did you just quote Jumanji?” -Wesley

“…Maybe?” -Travis

 

“Is somebody playing Jeopardy, cause I keep hearing this beeping sound?” -Scott

“That’s the ‘Are you still there’ sound. Google Hangouts is pretty needy.” -Joe

 

“That train sound we heard must have been us getting railroaded back to the tower.” -Jay

“Now to be fair I presented a choice. You could go to the tower or drown and die.” -Scott

“Now the real trick is that the tower is full of water and when we open it we all drown.” -Travis

 

“That thing you do is totally cool. Be proud of that thing you do.” -Joe to Wesley about turning to a bear as a druid.

 

Third Session:

“I guess I’m going to sheathe…my…warhammer?” -Joe

 

“Theran, this is to hear hidden thingies if that is a thing.” -Scott

 

“spiKEA” -Jay in regards to the design of the tower we are exploring

 

“Before I take that scroll case, because we all know I’m going to, I want to flip some elves.” -Joe

“  (╯°□°)╯︵ v(x*x)v  ” – Jay

 

“So you give the elves the finger, and nothing seems to happen.” -Scott

 

“Zombie fif….now i’m calling them by number!” – Scott

“let’s hope that is ‘-teen’ anot not ‘-ty!’” -Jay

 

“I used to bullseye zombies back in beggar’s canyon back home.” -Scott as Daxel

 

“Oh, I’m engaged now?” -Travis

“Yes, you are engaged, congratulations!” -Scott

“Does that mean I have to buy you something now?” -Wes

 

“And that will be 17 thunder damage.” -Wes

“WHAAAAAT?!?!” -Scott

 

“It looks like his face was slashed to ribbons by a cat dual-wielding short swords.” -Scott

 

“Yah they are settling in to camp or siege.” -Scott

“…or siege…” -Travis

 

“I’m going to say a prayer to Ioun, because that might be in order. Uh, I have a crowbar too, I wonder if I can do something with that.” -Travis

“A crowbar and Ioun…there doesn’t seem to be any way to use those two things here. ‘Use Ioun with…’” -Scott

 

Fourth Session:

 

“As you draw the sword…you know what, i’m going to send you a private message.” -Scott

“WHAT?!?!?” -Everyone but Joe

 

“Is it bad that when I think about goblins, I think about the Ferengi?” -Joe

“Well I did try to channel Ferengi/Klingon when I made them, so that’s pretty good I think.” -Scott

 

“So that would be 5 advanced goblins and 5 normal goblins unless one is a polymorphed dragon or something…which is hilarious.” -Scott who then went to write it down for later.

 

“We do have AN elf. Let’s just sacrifice him, he’s not here.” -Adrienne

 

“So did we just create goblin Israel?” -Adrienne

 

“You’re allowed to have a life.” -Adrienne

“I’m the DM, I’m not allowed to have a life outside the game.” -Scott

“You’re not allowed to have a life during the game at least.” -Travis

 

“I’ll be hosting the Winter’s Edge version of Antiques Roadshow.” -Jay

 

“Imagine a game where everyone had to play bards.” -Adrienne

“A Bard’s Fail.” -Travis

“It’s like the D&D version of Glee.” -Jay

“More like A High School Dungeon.” -Adrienne

 

“I’m beginning to sense that some of you are excited about the possibility of exploring a self-contained underground system filled with hostile creatures and possible treasures.” -Scott

“DUNGEON! DUNGEON!” -Joe

 

“Well I threw my spear, so that means I’m out of spear.” -Joe

 

“It jumps out of the water to try and grab, constrict, entangle, whatever it’s a snake.” -Scott

Fifth Session:

 

“I mean you guys could probably get that much XP and level up in this cave.” -Scott

“I like the prospect of that, but I don’t like what that means. Because that load of zombies weren’t worth all that much XP.” -Joe

 

“Arden, Petrov and Daxel are standing around waiting for something to happen and then something indeed does happen!” -Scott

 

“Can I go do a stupid thing?” -Adrienne

 

“I am not afraid of spiders, so I’ll reach in and feel around.” -Wes

“A gargantuan spider is hiding in this tiny 2ft alcove.” -Scott

 

“Is it magical?”-Adrienne

“I, I’m a rogue. I don’t know.” -Travis

 

“Now I want to make a politician background for D&D.” -Jay

“You get a +2 to kiss babies.” -Wes

 

“I don’t reveal anything about having read historical texts because I don’t want them to think I’m a nerd.” -Joe

 

“So everyone goes to heaven except for Theran.” -Scott

“Awwwww.” -Wes

“Well he’s a druid and doesn’t believe in it, so he just becomes dirt.” -Scott

“YAY!” -Wes

 

“Sweet! Can you crit initiative?” -Scott

“Noooooo, all our well-thought out plans!” -Joe

 

“For all you know you may have wandered into the Underdark as the cave stretches out beyond your sight.” -Scott

“Well I hope it’s not that.” -Joe

“I am anti-that.” -Travis

 

“Well I don’t want to go watch Joryn look at a bug.” -Wes

“I can’t blame you for that because you entymology is pretty something.” -Scott

“Yah, you NERD!” -Wes

“Hey, shut up guys.” -Joe

 

 

“So Arden do you want to follow one of the two teams: team mapping or team hey a bug?” -Scott

“Hey, hey, Arden! Team ‘Hey a Bug’ needs you!” -Joe

“I take my sweet time walking over, but I do go over.” -Adrienne

“So, Arden. This bug is cool.” -Joe

“There’s that heaps of intelligence right there.” -Wes

 

“I just want to briefly mention that it’s at this point that you see the dragon.” -Scott

“Wait, have we seen a dragon before?!?” -Adrienne

“Have you?!? Because my notes have nothing in them about that!” -Scott

“I take away Arden’s mead.” -Wes

“It’s called <air quotes> Riding the Dragon </airquotes>.” -Joe

 

Sixth Session

 

*rolls dice*

“Well whatever it is, Petrov didn’t see it.” -Jay

 

“It looks like…it’s like..it’s flavor text…” -Scott

 

“In a previous game, we convinced a friend’s son to lick a skeleton and not like a normal skeleton, but an undead skeleton.” -Jay

“Was it an animate skeleton at the time and how did it respond to his romantic advances?” -Scott

 

“This would not be the first time I had a standing rule with a party about not licking the flavor text.” -Scott

 

“Clerics do better when they have babies with them.” -Joe

“Well now I can’t target your character because if I kill you everyone will call me the baby killing DM!” -Scott

“I cast SHIELD OF BABIES!” -Joe

 

“Yes, by all means you can attempt to milk the lizard.” -Scott

*DEAD SILENCE FROM PARTY*

 

“They came from everywhere, man!” -Jay

“GAME OVER MAN GAME OVER!” -Joe

“There must be something we missed. Something that isn’t on the graph paper.” -Scott

 

“D&D Next: Now with added explorification!” -Jay

 

“Is the drake within 10ft so I can use my shillelaugh attack?” -Wes

“Well let’s see, pythagorean theorem…yah, you know what the heck.” -Scott

 

 

“Then in that case I am going to switch over to my rapier (said in frenchish accent).” -Travis

“I’m afraid I can’t allow you to use that weapon if you are going to refer to it as that.” -Scott

 

“Joryn’s attitude towards adventure is remarkably similar to that of my parents’ golden retriever.” -Travis

 

“3 points of stupid damage.” -Jay

“Hey I’m resistant to stupid damage thank you very much!” -Joe

“Actually I think you are particularly vulnerable to it.” -Jay

 

“YOLO! WATERSLIDE!” -Joe

“I feel like this is proof that the gods may favor the bold, but not the stupid. Poor Joryn.” -Wes

 

Seventh Session

 

“I guess that means Joryn never went down the water slide and Arden didn’t die!” -Joe

“Wait, did you say slaughterslide?” -Jay

“NO! But I wish I did.” -Joe

 

“Petrov, Daxel and Theran walk back to their camp. Their hearts are heavy with the loss of their comrades. I guess. I don’t really know.” -Scott

“Really we’re all thinking about how happily they went to their deaths.” -Travis

 

“Since none of you seem interested in exploring the rest of that really exciting and interesting dungeon…” -Scott

“We’ll come back to it later.” -Travis

“Players are always saying that.” -Scott

 

“I’m glad there isn’t a bard here because he’d be singing some kind of annoying song.” -Travis

“I wish there was a bard. Bard’s are hilarious.” -Adrienne

“Yay Bards. Everyone loves bards. *sarcasm*” -Scott

 

“Theran, I’m gonna say that you are helping Thyia to make a….Diplomacy check?” -Scott

“Persuade?” -Various members of the party

“I am going to diplomacize him!” -Joe

“I diplomacy the dwarf.” -Scott

 

“And since you say you are here to conquer, I see no reason for us to let you pass.” -Scott

“Well we aren’t going to conquer you!” -Adrienne

 

“A tribute in the name of Magnar Blackhammer of Clan Shatterpeak would suffice.” -Scott

“I do not volunteer to be a tribute.” -Adrienne

 

“Sorry our diplomacy didn’t go so well, here have a bucket of poison.” -Scott

 

“As you are walking in carefully and regarding things, suddenly everyone makes a wisdom check to listen.” -Scott

“Oh man! I GOT A ZERO!” -Joe

“Ugarth is struggling today.” -Wes

 

“That basically means they shoot acid from their face.” -Scott

 

“I’m going to try and cast Animal Friendship.” -Wes

“If this works, you suck.” -Scott

 

“Your ray of frost strikes the thickened carapace and leaves a spot of decorative frosting, but it otherwise does nothing else other than to enrage the creature!” -Scott

“Thanks for that!” -Wes

 

“As I lunge into the air, my hands turn into claws and fur sprouts from all over as I turn into a bear and attack!” -Wes

“The only elf anywhere who knows what body hair is like.” -Scott

 

Eight Session

 

I MISSED THIS ONE!!! :*(

 

Ninth Session

 

“There is no town. Only Zuul.” -Scott

 

“Okay, my sports are over guys, I’m back to paying attention.” -Adrienne

“I can’t believe you put D&D on hold for sports. This seems totally wrong.” -Scott

 

“Getting back to the matter on my hands….CHICKEN BOO! That’s what it was called.” -Scott

 

“Come on, Animal Lore!” -Wes

“Papa needs a new animal companion.” -Joe

 

“I cast Magic Missile at the wounded bear. 1d4 PETA members appear within 10 rounds.” -Jay

 

“Ugarth doesn’t like singing.” -Joe

“That’s a +2 to initiative checks.” -Scott (related to a previous comment)

“YES!” *realizes this is not for him* “Oh, I thought that was because of the singing thing.” -Joe

 

 

“Halflings. I roll my eyes and turn into a dog.” -Wes

“It’s DOG TIME!” -Travis

 

“You can say she made quite an impression on the campaign world.” -Scott (regarding Thyia being smooshed into the ground having fallen prone)

 

“I thought he just rage quit. ‘Man clubs on harpies totally make sense!’” -Crystal

 

“I think she’s alright. She’s full of healing and I like that because hitpoints are the things that make me have to go to sleep.” -Joe

 

“Last session wasn’t Ugarth giving Petrov a piggy back ride?” -Jay

“That does not sound like something Ugarth would do. Now the halfling, maybe. Maybe. Especially because that means healing backpack.” -Joe

“Then I’d always be in touch healing range!” -Crystal

 

“You guys got it easy. I’m a tree. All they had to do was poop and I would have been happy.” -Scott

“I was thinking about it.” -Travis

“Thank you for not pooping on my campaign world.” -Scott

 

“On Winter’s Edge D&D Next Campaign, or ‘how we all learned to use our computers.’” -Adrienne

 

“You hear a falcon…no a hawk…maybe a falcon? F@#%k it, they’re cloakers.” -Jay

 

“Well that wasn’t hawk sex, at least I don’t think so.” -Adrienne

“I’m sorry I missed that. I took my headphones off and was banging my head against the desk.” -Scott

 

“I can turn into a mouse.” -Wes

“Awwwwww.” -Adrienne

“You totally aren’t going to get eaten by an angry and still quite hungry hawk.” -Joe

 

“The little boy just pauses and finally says, ‘What’s wrong with your ears?’” -Scott

“Nothing, what’s wrong with yours? Mine are correct, yours are weird. Yes, I argue on a 10 year old level.” -Wes

 

TENTH SESSION

 

“Hey, you can’t have a kid as a familiar!” -Scott

 

“Well, it’s a village with a mill and all dancing is forbidden.” -Jay

“OMG IT’S FOOTLOOSE!” -Adrienne

“Is Kevin Bacon there?” -Wes

“What is this Bay-kahn?” -Crystal

 

“The night is dark and full of pine trees.” -Crystal

 

“You know that thing she is dragging behind to cover the trail is called a spread-sheet. Hunters and poachers used it to cover their trail.” -Scott

“It looks like she is excelling at using it.” -Wes

 

“It shall be purple because purples starts with prone.” -Scott

 

“At this point, she’s probably wrapping him up in a blanket to stop all the bleeding. You were attacked by a PACK of wolves.” -Scott

“It’s how he would have wanted to go.” -Wes

“Yah, circle of life and all that.” -Joe

 

“Wait, I thought she was just sleeping!” -Wes

 

ELEVENTH SESSION

 

“Hey, you don’t know how much that half-ninja school girl has gone through!” -Jay

“Of course, opera…..anime…..that’s about the same cultural weight.” -Scott

 

“When you share a document with someone on the internet, you are actually sharing that document with everyone they’ve shared a document with.” -Scott

“Well you all asked me to share it.” -Joe

“Hey, it takes two to share a document.” -Scott

 

“And the kid jumped on top of the last gnoll all stabby and stuff so he’s probably covered in blood.” -Crystal

“Aaaaaah, Mel Gibson style.” -Travis

“The best style.” -Wes

 

“Anyone who beats a 15, let me know.” -Scott

“Does a natural 1 beat it!” -Adrienne

“Dooooo you have a +14?” -Scott

 

“Ugarth is the worst wingman ever.” -Jay

“If a half-orc is your wingman….” -Joe

“‘If a half-orc is your wingman’ sounds like a sequel book to ‘If you give a mouse a cookie.’” -Crystal

“If a half-orc is your wingman–he’s going to smash a tankard over some racist bar patron.” -Travis

“Best/worst kid’s book.” -Joe

 

“The Long House = Highwald’s male dance revue?” -Jay

 

“Frantically shuffling through Ioun’s Big Book of Prophecies, Metaphors, and Riddles.” -Travis

 

“She’s a cow IT guy.” -Adrienne

“Thank you for calling cattle support.” -Scott

“Have you tried turning the cow on and off?” -Jay

 

“Sorry, Theran gets a little grumpy when he has one hit point.” -Wes

 

“Do you want to make a fortitude save for that burn?” -Scott

 

THEORIES ABOUT PROPHECY AND STUFF

-The Raven blinded herself to protect herself.

-Being chased by 5 snakes with 5 eyes, who passed 3 days ago.

-We are the 6 owls with 13 eyes who are meant to catch the 5 snakes.

 

-Snakes are chasing a raven who if her eyes are opened, all will see and then all will live.

 

-Supposedly, Raven Queen was a mortal queen who ascended to godhood. Her name is a HUGE secret because names of deity are a powerful thing.

 

-We came across a tomb with images of a powerful female warrior and there was a blanked out section of the nobility on the wall that was just sheared away.

 

MAJOR THEORY: What if the queen of this region was the Raven Queen as a mortal before she came into her power and when she became a god, she burned away the references to her former life. If she was queen in this space, then that would make Aralayne one of her descendants.

 

TWELFTH SESSION

 

“blah, blah, blah, dongle, blah, blah, blah, double dongle.” -Pretty much everyone

 

“Stop doing things! I get so confused.” -Scott

 

“I want to join the chat on the SW doc, but I don’t want to stop being being ‘Anonymous Manatee.’” -Jay

“You’ll always be the anonymous manatee to me, Jay.” -Joe

 

“Not even knocking to see if I have clothes on? I’m all up here rubbing my hoohahs up on this couch.” -Crystal

 

“They are just world of warcrafting all over our chats.” -Joe

“Guuuuuys, I don’t get your jokes.” -Adrienne

 

THIRTEENTH SESSION:

 

“Did you just smell your headphones, like to make sure those are the clean ones?” -Scott

“I have to throw my headphones in the wash later.” -Wes

“Wait, is that a thing?!?!” -Adrienne

 

“You know what, it’s an interesting concept, but you really have to twerk…….Yah no. TWEAK the math a lot.” -Joe

 

“Aren’t you going to be a phD in God or something?” -Adrienne

 

“Wizards is going to think I don’t have reading comprehension since I wrote my address all on one line and then there is a line for city and state.” -Adrienne

“So don’t you mean that they would be correct…about your reading comprehension…” -Travis

 

“You know who my enemy is? EVERYBODY!!!! CAUSE ART HATES EVERYONE!!!!” -Adrienne

 

“Two Swords gonna bite your weiner off!” -Adrienne

“Ugarth soils himself.” -Joe

 

“You all know you can run and roll a die to determine how far extra that is.” -Scott

“So, can you Ace that roll?” -Joe

“Yes.” -Scott

“Uhhhh.” -Travis

“Wait, no. That could get super broken and break the laws of physics.” -Scott

“Yah, you could end up running 7 miles on enough Aces.” -Travis

 

“Now I want a Smokey the Owlbear t-shirt.” -Jay

“ONLY YOU can prevent goblin raids.” -Travis

 

 

“I like to say I control the midi-Chlorians.” -Adrienne

-signs out- -Scott

 

“Normally in this case you’d be trying to beat his parry, but in this case you get the drop on him because he didn’t expect an elf to come out of the crowd and cold clock him.” -Scott

“NO ONE expects the Elven Intervention!” -Jay

 

“I AM NOT COMING ON TO ANYONE G-D DAMMIT. I AM A MONK. MONKS. DON’T. DO. THE. SEX.” -Adrienne

 

after LITERALLY facepalming

“I lean across the table to Theran and say, ‘I respect you, but you need to seriously stop talking to people.’” -Travis

“But I didn’t talk to people, I just punched a guy.” -Wes

 

“And the Reeve’s Deputy comes to visit you in the morning.” -Scott

“Again sorry. Sorry.” -Wes

 

“Ugarth doing downward dog just involves him doing a faceplant.” -Jay

 

“WE FOUND BAHAMUT’S LONG FORGOTTEN BROTHER!” -Jay

“Steve.” -Scott

 

“So now Randolf is not going to poop without your permission.” -Scott

“THAT’S RIGHT!” -Joe

“I’m just going to get this out of the way and give your permission to do that whenever you need to.” -Travis

 

FOURTEENTH SESSION:

 

“I have stats for a saber-tooth bear?” -Scott

“That doesn’t sound interesting, at all.” -Joe

“I disagree with that. In fact, I have stats for saber-tooth, polar bears!” -Scott

“Wow, it’s even already flavored and stuff.” -Joe

 

“Is that terrible moaning mob coming from NORMAL!?!?!” -Scott

 

“Alright, dramatic chord, game beings!” -Travis

“But before we start the game…” – Scott

“Aww man.  Dramatic chord ruined.” – Travis

“Could you play a more boring, administrative chord?”

*A major 7* – Travis

 

“It’s almost 11, it could just be the cries of the damned.” Jay

“I thought it was the whales from Star Trek.” -Wes

“Maybe it’s whales of the damned.” -Jay

 

“You know what, new house rules. No playing in houses of the damned. If you travel to a house that is damned, you just don’t play that week.” -Scott

 

“I’m actually sorry I spilled the saber toothed beans.” -Scott

 

“Look, we’re lucky he didn’t name him Redshirt McDeadsoon.” -Travis

 

“Thyia only recognizes 5 people at a time. At a time.” -Wes

 

“I’ve had a conversation consisting of five sentences with an NPC and haven’t offended them. That means we are friends.” -Travis

“We’ve had to adjust our definition of friends a little.” -Scott

 

“Yes, there are pigs and pigs are a thing and where there are pigs there are bacon.” -Scott

 

“Next week Scott is going to go ‘so I don’t have any encounters made but I do have the month by month food offerings of the Sleeping Bear’” -Wes

 

“Ugarth’s got his traveling pants on. Let’s roll.” -Joe

“Those are Ugarth’s only pants.” -Wes

 

“Fine, whatever, saber-toothed spiders attack.” -Scott

“Everything is saber-toothed in Winter’s Edge. We all have saber-teeth too.” -Travis

“Are saber-toothed spiders actually attacking, I just walked in to that one.” -Adrienne

 

“Perfectly good meat!” -Adrienne

“Don’t pick it up!” -Jay

“I keep Thyia from picking it up.” -Wes

“BAAAACON!!!” -Scott

“Fine, I will not eat the roadside jerky.” -Adrienne

“What is that, the name of a southern rock band?” -Travis

 

“I kid you not, I have rules for brain damage. I love Savage Worlds.” -Scott

 

“Ugarth needs to learn about backdrafts. :)” -Jay

“Ugarth throws himself to the ground as a wall of flame and cinders flares out of the now open door.” -Scott

“Ugarth just learned.” -Joe

 

“If you are interested in the rules, he is technically dead, but a trained healer can bring someone back from this point. You know who would have been really helpful right now…?” -Scott

“Kizz.” -The whole party

 

“Dang it. I really wanted to get brain damage on someone.” -Scott

 

“I’m trying not to crack up because my little girl, sitting on my lap, is farting up a storm over here.” -Joe

“And time to log out of the chat again. Thank you for that information.” -Scott

“Parenthood is fun.” -Joe

“HAHAHAHAHAHA. I told Dan to leave for the same reason. ;)” -Adrienne

 

FIFTEENTH SESSION:

 

“Our rogue got sneak attacked by toast!” -Joe

 

“But let’s face it, a dragon shouldn’t be able to be defeated by 6 dudes….or ladies.” -Adrienne

“I believe the term is, dudette.” -Scott

 

“It’s a passive aggressive saber-toothed tiger.” -Scott

“You know guys, it’s really late. I have work in the morning.” -Wes

“I could totally kill a human. I’m just saying.” -Scott

 

“And that is when the moaning comes.” -Scott

“Oh good!” -Joe

“That is my favorite time.” -Wes

 

“I point that out to the party.” -Travis

“Rundulf poops.” -Scott

“I probably shouldn’t have given him tacit permission to do that.” -Travis

“He is definitely exercising that permission.” -Scott

 

“We ran into a tiger and we were all like, ‘Go away Tiger,’ and he was like, ‘Fine.’” -Travis

“What do you mean WE?!?” -Theran

 

*Scott pantomimes squeezing through a passage* “Eh eh eh eh.  …I’m never doing that again.  Sorry about that. Sorry.” -Scott

 

“Didn’t someone else get a King?” -Travis

“Uh, yes. A King is higher than a 9.” -Scott

“I want to play poker with you.” -Jay

 

 

“So are we going down this way in the spider section?” -Joe

“I like that now this is called the spider section.” -Scott

“You find one spider and now it’s a spider section.” -Crystal

“Better the spider you know than the horrible eldritch horror you don’t.”  -Travis

 

“I will defer to Daxil’s knowledge in this situation. He seems to know shit.” -Adrienne

 

“It is written… in orcish.” -Scott

“UH WHAAAAAAAAT?!?!” -Joe

*with identical inflection* “It is written… in orcish.” -Scott

 

“It’s all about the patriarchy and the matriarchy!” -Adrienne

“Oh sure, it’s all about boobs! That’s like the one thing that isn’t wrong with this universe!” -Scott

 

“I make a really good pasta-less lasagna.” -Adrienne

“Isn’t that just a bowl of cheese?!?” -Scott

 

SIXTEENTH SESSION:

 

“He also played as Heath Ledger in A Knight’s Tale.” -Travis

“Wait he’s the guy from A Knight’s Tale?!?!” -Scott

“Yeah.” -The rest of the group

“He’s kind of hot.” -Scott

 

“How do I sound?” -Scott

“Perfect. We can control your volume for us though, so no big.” -Travis

“YOU CAN’T CONTROL ME!” -Scott

 

“They just don’t match! It’s like an unmatched dice set!” -Scott

“WE’RE AN UNMATCHED DICE SET! It’s like a kids book.” -Joe

 

“So everyone is a literal bear, right? This sounds excellent.” -Wes

“The base classes are polar and grizzly and if you want to multi-class you can take Owlbear.” -Scott

 

“I’m going to hack into your computer and…and…and…I’ll…replace all your pdfs with Numenera.” -Travis

“I have no problem with the NumaNuma.” -Scott

 

“I can’t leave a rant unranted.” -Scott

 

“Wait, didn’t all the humans die in that movie? Like all of them?” -Scott

“I am aware of my issue.” -Adrienne

“Yah, it was no problem when they shot the kid in the face, but the dog….” -Wes

 

“We’ll just assume for the sake of simplicity of that Crystal didn’t actually show up last time. We’ll assume that she is just Schrodinger’s Halfling.” -Scott

 

“I hate to admit it, but I actually really like most of what Valve does.” -Scott

“…..wait, did you just say you like Al?” -Adrienne

 

“I play D&D to be reminded of my own mortality.” -Wes
“You’ll have to send it to me at work because I don’t have a fax machine at home, but you’ll have to explain to my boss why we are sending waffles through our fax machine.” -Scott

“‘What is this gridded paper in my hand?’ ‘Oh nothing, just my waffle.’” -Wes

 

“I like to imagine orcs speak all in really poor Common.” -Wes

“It’s like what the cats say on that cheezeburgerz site.” -Scott

“Orcs all speak in memes.” -Joe

“No, that’s trolls.” -Scott

 

“Thyia is really socially awkward.” -Adrienne

“There is a difference between being awkward and concussing someone.” -Scott

 

“The half-orc can throw him over his shoulder and if he needs to use him as some kind of blunt weapon.” -Adrienne

“NO! you can’t use a sentient being as a weapon!” -Scott

 

“It’ll be like one of those parachute tubes, but without the dorky goggles.” -Adrienne

“The goggles could be trapping of your spell.” -Scott

“But I don’t want to be steampunk! I don’t need a top hat.” -Adrienne

 

“Yah, I’m sensing a motif.” -Joe

“Thanks! I try to use motifs.” -Scott

 

“I ain’t afraid of no ghost. But several ghosts…yes. Terrified.” -Wes

 

“THIS IS WINTER’S EDGE! kicks ghost off bridge.” -Wes

“ON THIS NARROW LEDGE THEIR NUMBERS WILL COUNT FOR NOTHING! AOOOOOOOO” -Joe

“<REMOVES SHIRT> <puts on red cape>” -Wes

“Keeps shirt on, because…….armor.” -Joe

 

“I’m not going to have you fall into the Underdark because you failed a roll…well actually it would be pretty hilarious.” -Scott

 

“ROPES NOOOOOOO! My one weakness!” -Wes

“It’s a rope twisted by dwarves actually. It burns elven skin.” -Joe

“Jerks.” -Wes

“Filthy dwarves twisted it.” -Joe

 

“Nah, I’m just going to jump down into the darkness. No, I’ll climb down carefully.” -Wes

“Coward.” -Scott

 

SEVENTEENTH SESSION (D&D Next reboot!):

 

“If I have to walk to a separate smaller building to poop, Civilization has failed me.” -Scott

“Some people don’t like civilization.” -Adrienne

“I do!” – Scott

“I don’t have the new expansion pack yet but I hear it’s good.” -Travis

 

“Our basic adventurer apprenticeship package will provide a minimum of two (2) leads delivered by shady characters in the back rooms of taverns” – Jay

 

“I AM the world, dammit!” – Scott

 

Adrienne: *in character* “You are all totally going to love me.”

Travis: “Catrigne looks… skeptical.”

Crystal: “Cerridwen looks like an elf.”

 

*Party is planning how to circumvent a guard patrol*

“Everybody hide behind the halfling.” -Jay

“I fully support this plan, I just want to say that.” -Scott

 

“He’s a member of the Quest Giver’s Guild.” -Scott

*entire group tries to make Exclamation Point related joke simultaneously*

 

“I have faith in you to annoy the shit out of me.” -Scott

“Thank you! I appreciate that.” -Adrienne

 

Guards: “We have no coins for you, minstrel.”

Adrienne: “I need no coin!”

Jay: “She’s doing it for exposure.”

 

“I’m skinny, maybe I can sneak between the cracks in the stuff in the alley.” -Crystal

“Are you one dimensional??” -Jay

“Hold the right trigger to turn sideways.” -Scott

 

“The gate creaks a little but the bard covers it with a crescendo.  GUITAR SOLO! BRRrrrnnn dert dert dooooo” -Scott

*plays “Thunderstruck” on acoustic guitar* -Travis

 

“We’re story gamers!  Fail forward.” -Jay

“I WISH YOU WOULD STOP SAYING THAT.” -Scott

 

EIGHTEENTH SESSION:

 

“To be fair, if you just point your fingers at people and shout ‘bang! bang! bang!’, people will get confused.” -Travis

“That’s not magic.  That’s psychology.” -Joe

 

“You know what Crystal, we’ll talk about this more on Google+ later because your interpretation of this situation might be a sin.” -Scott

*Joe cracks up*

“Okay, as a pastor in training, that is HYSTERICAL!” -Joe

 

“They both have goatees, I don’t know who to trust!!!” -Wes

 

“When you do the recap, you are immune to doing the recap the following week.” -Scott

“We need a recap immunity idol!” -Travis

“This is starting to sound like ‘The Lottery.’” -Jay

“The next step is facing down a bunch of twelve year olds in a fight to the death.” -Scott

 

“Ugarth can has smash?” -Wes

“UGARTH CAN HAS SMASH!” -Joe

 

“I know exactly why you turned back there, I killed off two of you.” -Scott

“I maintain that we did something stupid and got ourselves killed.” -Adrienne

“That isn’t really something you have to maintain, I don’t think.” -Travis

“It wasn’t really in dispute.” -Scott

 

“Therefore I killed you.” -Scott

“HOORAY! Theran moves on.” -Wes

 

“And then Rundulf, which is why we don’t get along.” -Adrienne

“You guys don’t get along because of your position in the party marching order?” -Scott

 

“There is an argument that you are torturing him. But anyway, let’s get back to the game!” -Scott

“Yah, let’s keep torturing him!” -Wes

“I roll to torture him! Crap, I fail. I’m not spending any bennies on that.” -Joe

“Roll to waterboard!” -Adrienne

 

“Did someone block Wesley?!” -Scott

“NOOOOOO!” -Travis, Joe, Jay

“….maybe” -Joe

 

“‘Skeletal Tsunami!’ Next friday night on SyFy.” -Jay

 

“Wait, if she’s at 7 and it was an 11 that’s only three!” -one of the artists (we have at least four)

“…that would be 4.” -Scott

“Oh, yeah.” -artist

“…ART!” -Scott

 

“Remember that your Parry is half your Fighting die, which is bigger right now.” -Scott

“OH SHOOTDANG!” -Joe

“I like your compound non-swear.” -Scott

 

“So ignoring the blood, the viscera, and all that, you continue on…” -Scott

“You come across a neon sign that says ‘YOU WILL DIE IF YOU CONTINUE THIS DIRECTION’, what do you do?” -Travis

 

NINETEENTH SESSION:

 

*jazzy intro music starts up* (jay’s computer audio line jumping)

Travis and Joe dance around to jazzy music.

“Is some kind of sitcom starting here?” -Scott

“Hey man, I was jamming to it.” -Adrienne

“Winter’s Edge is filmed in front of a live studio audience.” -Scott

“‘Ugarth, are we out of rations AGAIN?’” -Travis as Daxil

Everyone: “womp womp woommmmmp”

 

“Is this a veiled cry for help, do you have a real drug problem?” -Scott

“No, but yes.” -Crystal

“Is it that episode of the sitcom already?” -Wes

“Ugarth has addiction to healing potions! SORRY!” -Joe

 

“I think freshmen only see movement so just stay still and you should be fine.” -Travis

“No that’s frogs and Tyrannosauruses.” -Scott

“So….same thing.” -Wes

 

 

“Apparently I missed a lot while I had you all muted.” -Jay

“Well you missed that Crystal went to Cimmerian University.” -Scott

 

“I can’t believe that they tried to sell me more services while I was calling to complain about their services.” -Jay

“If you hate our internet, try our cable!” -Wes

 

“I’m just saying, you guys control the pace, not me, that’s why we aren’t going anywhere.” -Scott

 

“The dead orc zombies have skulls burnt into their forehead.  Just like a.. straight-on skull…”

*raises hand* *looks at raised hand*

“See I raised my hand because that means ‘SKULL’, right?  Got it?” -Scott

 

“All right, let’s cut the crap, does anyone have any intention of talking to her?” -Scott

“NO!” -Joe

“Actually, yes.” -Travis

“I just want a sandwich.” -Adrienne

 

“Maybe we should share this information with the rest of them so they can continue to drink and

eat since we’ll be here for a while.” -Crystal

“Well I assume since you are having this conversation at a normal volume they probably hear you.” -Scott

“UGARTH IS EAVESDROPPING.” -Joe

 

“The part of Ugarth today will be played by Cookie Monster.” -Travis

 

“I’m about to go be more racist. I got to Theran and offer him this carved piece of his people.” -Crystal

“Wow, that’s like the worst wording possible of that statement.” -Scott

“So Kizz offers the pendant to Theran because he is an elf and it’s an elf.” -Scott

 

“If anyone suspects they’ve contracted any BTIs (Battle Transmitted Infections) just let me know.” -Crystal

“How many encounter partners have you had in the past year?” -Travis

“Are we counting groups of NPCs as one partner?” -Scott

 

“Did they [suspiciously missing ex zombies] leave any footprints?” -Wes

“They did no–oh wait.  That’s a fair question.  I was about to be snarky but then I realized, Hey! Not actually a dumb question.” -Scott

 

“Should we follow their shambles?” -Wes

“Shambles sounds like a sexually transmitted disease.” -Scott

*Someone starts playing Yackety Sax after a mention of Benny Hill*

“Absolutely not.” -Scott

 

“Screaming in elvish rage. NOOOOOOOO! *high pitched scream*” -Scott

“Who taught you elvish!” -Wes

 

“So the walls have stopped bleeding and those of you who had blood drip on you no longer have that blood.” -Scott

“So they’re using magic blood like invisible solar power.” -Wes

“…Yes.  That’s what you were supposed to get out of that.  You figured it out.” -Scott

 

“Surprisingly, they seem to have been trying to keep quiet.” -Scott

“BARK BARK BARK BARK!” -Tutu

“As opposed to someone’s dog.” -Scott

 

“I thought the zombies went the other way!” -Jose

“It [the mine] looped around, you FOOLS! *cackles madly*” -Scott

 

“Sorry Petrov! Avandra’s luck be with you!” -Crystal

“Yah Avandra’s luck isn’t with him at all!” -Scott

“This is less of a ‘see the light’ and more of a ‘burn the heathen’ thing.” -Jay

 

“Today we learned that attacks can be surprisingly lethal.” -Scott

“Especially when players fight other players!” -Joe

 

“I can make that go away with a Greater Healing spell.” -Crystal

“Eventually…” -Joe

“Avandra burneth and Avandra doth partial mend.” -Travis

 

TWENTIETH SESSION (D&D Next!):

 

“I mean that’s definitely a dye job. Some kind of radish based dye.” -Scott in regards to Red Fraggles hair

 

“So far it’s been fun, right?” -Scott

“Yah, thus far we haven’t been strapped up to the electrodes.” -Jay

“We’re taking our simulation to the next level.” -Joe

“When your character loses hitpoints, SO DO YOU!” -Scott

“Ow, my abstract concept!” -Joe

 

“That’s another part of my DM credo. My enemies become yours! It’s like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I’m raising you up to kill Shredder.” -Scott

 

“The audio went all skippy so I only sort of got the joke…and/or threat.” -Joe

“It was kinda both.” -Party

 

“I mean I can come up with a name that starts with C if you really want.” -Joe

“Yeah, and then you can be like the X-men, but you’ll be the C-men…” -Scott

 

“The lighting rules in Torchbearer are ridiculous.” -Scott

“Well it is called TORCHBEARER.” -Party

“Well I expected it to be a clever title and not a central mechanic to the game!” -Scott

 

“We can assume that you’ll put your warhammer in the off hand and start beating him off–”

*Crystal puts hand to her mouth* “–thank you Crystal” -Scott

“…phrasing?” -Travis

 

TWENTY-FIRST SESSION (D&D Next!):

 

“So I took the spell Find Familiar for when I get enough gold to cast it and the material components are pretty hysterical. Brazier, various herbs and spices. The brazier is not consumed by this ritual.” -Crystal

“So you really just summon the nearest animal and that’s your familiar. If you spend a higher spell slot you can get the Colonel’s original recipe.” -Scott

 

“So what is your new character’s name?” Scott

“River.” -Adrienne

“HA! You were just so proud to say it.” -Dan, in the same room as Adrienne

“I was proud to say it.” -Adrienne

“Is that an elf? Cause that’s not a very elven name.” -Crystal

“Well I know the elven version, but I can’t pronounce it, so I’m going with River.” -Adrienne

“Well whose language standards did you use?” -Scott

“I used Tolkien’s.” -Adrienne

“Oooooooooooh.” -Scott

 

“That’s been pretty much your whole take on this adventure, a couple of gold pieces right?” -Scott

“And almost nobody died!” -Jay

 

“I’m just saying you are in a storm drain, so a sudden rain would be thoroughly bad.” -Scott

“Oh gosh, why did it have to be flash floods…” -Joe

 

“I’m still waiting for Jay to tell me what he does.” -Scott

“Well, Stop!” -Jay

“I think we all need to collaborate and listen.” -Wes

 

“Thus far you’ve murdered toads and algae. As of now you’re less adventurers and more pool technicians.” -Scott

 

“I’m too lazy to rage quit.” -Adrienne

“Ha!” -Joe

“It’s true. I’d have to move the mouse and I don’t understand this new setup.” -Adrienne

 

“You used a magic spell that doesn’t miss for a warning shot?” -Jay

“I want the warning to be that we are dangerous and they should run away.” -Wes

 

“I have never seen people so afraid of flavor text. ‘OH MY GOD! SENSORY DESCRIPTIONS! WHAT DO I DO!?!?!?” -Scott

 

FITZTALON THE GNOME ALCHEMIST. All I’m saying.

 

TWENTY-SECOND SESSION:

 

“So you think it’s funny, but you haven’t watched it? Did those commercials really get you?” -Scott

“Well Dan watches it. You know, that marriage thing I do.” -Adrienne

 

“Oh man, I’m getting my settings thrown off. I was like, ‘Man, we have this cool crystal spider stuff, I’m sure that gnome would love it. Oh wait.’” -Joe

“Well Meridia and Winter’s Edge could all be part of the same setting. All part of the Angryverse.” -Scott

“Perhaps you’ve heard of my brother Fitztalon, my name is Tizfalon!” -Wes and Joe

 

“All of my not dates were just taking a girl out, paying for dinner, and then her telling me at the end that it’s not a date.” -Wes

 

“I’m now defending steel…” -Scott

 

“Stupid crystal spiders.” -Joe

“Hey, they weren’t stupid, they were awesome.” -Scott

“You’re right, they were awesome. The way I dealt with them was stupid.” -Joe

 

“I’m gonna do my hand signal air chi shit.” -Adrienne

“Thank you for that beautiful word picture.” -Scott

 

“It’s this savage death robot and when you defeat it and crack it open there’s like a tiny hamster on a wheel.” -Scott

“And the hamster’s are all like, ‘thank you for freeing me from my enslavement’ and runs away.” -Wes

 

“Well the stats were right next to ghost orcs. Sorry guys, the ghost orc totally doesn’t have a flamethrower. My bad.” -Scott

 

“Ugarth says something in Orcish. B T DUB.” -Joe

“Did you just B T DUB? Get out of my group.” -Scott

 

“I have no idea how to exorcise an orcish spirit.” -Joe

“Oh, I thought you said EXERCISE.” -Adrienne

“You’re gonna feel the burn!” -Jay

 

“And you manage to fend off the orc attack, so now the orc is engaged with Ugarth, so some orc on orc action.” -Scott

“Two orcs, one cave.” -Wes

“*grooooooooan*” -Adrienne, Jay, and Joe

 

“Well that’s one human down.” -Wes

“One human down and the rest shall follow!” -Scott

“What do you call one human down? A good start.” -Joe

 

“I only watched the Dr. Who with George Carlin. With the time travel phone booth.” -Scott

 

“We lost our laser-like focus on the plot.” -Scott

“Well you did mention hamster powered mechs.” -Jay

 

TWENTY-THIRD SESSION:

 

“The punching animation looks like this. *rapid karate chopping motion*” -Travis

“Wait, that’s not how you punch?” -Wes

“Wes, I’m never taking you to a bar for fighting.” -Scott

 

“You guys aren’t any fun. ‘I don’t sing, I don’t know how to punch…’” -Scott

 

“I don’t watch that movie all that often, but when I do I’m always tempted to say, ‘Bridge to Cpt Kirk.’” -Jay

“Ouch, too soon.” -Scott

“It hasn’t even happened yet!” -Wes

“Yah, that’s like 300 years in the future.” -Travis

 

“Nobody says spelunking all the time.” -Adrienne

“I do.” -Scott

 

“But we keep all the bodies separate so they don’t get them all confused.” -Joe

“It’s like the most morbid version of Build-A-Bear ever.” -Jay

 

*The party is trying to reassemble a number of human skeletons and we erroneously thought there were 216 bones in the human body rather than 206*

Scott: “So you’re trying to reassemble the skeletons and Petrov has you looking for 10 more bones you can’t find.”

Jay: “C’mon guys, the spleen!  That’s a bone! Right?”

Travis: “Right, and there’s the Funny.. the Humorous.. the Amusing…”

 

“Wait did I not mention that I peed on EVERYTHING in there [the tomb].” -Wes

“I’m REALLY good at dog now.” -Joe

“And this is mine, and this is mine, and so is this.” -Wes

 

“So when an elf wildshapes into a dog and pees on stuff is it elf urine or dog urine?” -Jay

“DELF. Or deg. Maybe.” -Wes

“Do you like degs?” -Joe

 

“Alright, am I gonna have to put a ban on the chat?” -Scott

“Nooooooo.” -THE ENTIRE PARTY IN UNISON

 

“You don’t have to worry about getting the appraisal and all that stuff. There are people to do that for you.” -Scott

“Yah, these Worlds be Savage.” -Joe

 

“Did you forget your spine on the other side of the mountains?!?!” -Scott

“I knew I forgot to pack something.” -Wes

 

“I’m not good at the negotiating, I want Daxil to do the negotiating.” -Adrienne

“Then why do you keep interjecting?!?!” -Scott

 

“So what you mean is diplomacy smash?” -Adrienne

“That’s my new favorite term.” -Joe

 

“Meanwhile, Dax puts on a big hat and a false mustache, runs around telling random people ‘Did you hear? A band of intrepid adventurers cleared Deeprift Mine!” -Travis

*much stiff upper lip British accent acting follows*

 

“Which Theran is pretty upset about.” -Wes

“Sorry.” -Joe

“It’s okay, I steal from you when you sleep.” -Wes

 

“Thyia is really terrible at negotiating.” -Adrienne

“And you are playing her remarkably well.” -Scott

 

“So wait, what’s Ugarth’s excuse then? He’s been around people.” -Adrienne

“Ugarth is an orc. Everyone else is racist, but me.” -Joe

“Everyone is a little bit racist.” -Adrienne

“Not me, Ugarth is accepting of all.” -Joe

 

TWENTY-FOURTH SESSION:

 

“Wait, Legolas has a father?” -Scott

“Thranduil.” -Joe

“God bless you.” -Scott

 

“Wait, is Travis playing in Purgatory now?!?” -Scott

“THEY HAVE HOTPOCKETS!” -Travis

 

“My favorite stereotype is 5.1.” -Travis

“*badumtiss*” -Wes

“….that’s an audio joke.” -Wes

 

“I’m here to explain the jokes.” -Wes

“Wesley is our close captioning for the humor compared.” -Scott

 

“Wait a minute….Taylor Swift is not a guy?!?” -Scott

 

“Music is a complete waste of time.” -Scott

*exits* -Travis

 

“Who’s Emma Stone?” -Scott

“She was Jennifer Lawrence before Jennifer Lawrence.” -Adrienne

“Who’s Jennifer Lawrence?” -Scott

“I am done with you.” -Adrienne

 

“I didn’t know there was a Giles in Buffy. I didn’t even know who Katnip Cungrygames is…” -Scott

 

“Welcome back to the Hung…Oh man.” -Scott

“May the Gods be ever in your favor.” -Travis

“I’m leaving.” -Wes

 

“She thinks we’re weird.” -Adrienne

“That’s because you stopped a perfectly legal knife fight in her inn.” -Scott

“I like that sentence.” -Joe

 

“Wait, I’m totally willing to pay for it, oh wait, I gave all my money to Ugarth.” -Adrienne

“That was Thyia doing an impression of me walking in to Best Buy.” -Travis

 

“I don’t hate anybody, I’m too lazy for that shit.” -Adrienne

“You seem to hate everybody.” -Scott

 

“He is apparently teaching her how to read.” -Scott

“He held the door for me and he’s teaching kids to read!” -Adrienne

“And Adrienne’s heart grew three sizes that day.” -Scott

 

“I’m not socially awkward, I’m awesome. They just don’t know it yet.” -Adrienne

 

“Oh I’m sorry, I was englishing wrong.” -Adrienne

 

“Mr. ROGERS WAS A WIZARD! I’m making my next character after that!” -Joe

“I could never kill Mr Rogers. I am going to have disallow that from my game.” -Scott

“He has a cardigan of elvenkind.” -Joe

 

“I love soup and punched a ghost!” -Scott (being Thyia)

“How do you think I got Dan? meh meh meh, I like Cheeseburgers.” -Adrienne

 

“I am actually tracking relationships with NPCs for when the inevitable rebellion comes and we have to figure out who sides with the Baroness.” -Scott

“Whaaaaaaat?!?!” -Jay

“Well I already made two enemies and they’re getting a divorce so one will automatically side with us in the rebellion.” -Wes

 

“He introduces himself as Birch Brightsnow.” -Scott

*GAAAAAAAAAAAASP* -Joe and Adrienne

 

“Look it’s cold! And I don’t like you humans! And your spirits are really mean! You know what, I’m going.” -Wes

 

“Without the property laws, that whole quest would have just been ‘here’s a bunch of skeletons and have a ghost.’” -Scott

 

“He’s got a foodie blog, ‘The Vegan Jarl.’” -Jay

“He’s not a vegan, he lives in a society that believes you get strength from eating the hearts of things.” -Scott

“Did you know that elves don’t have hearts.” -Wes

 

TWENTY-FIFTH SESSION:

 

“So Adrienne, I’ve noticed you’re obsessed with blame.” -Scott

“Well yah, I’M JEWISH!” -Adrienne

 

“I saved the game by being awake!” -Jay

 

“There’s a pitch maker who I guess boils trees…I don’t really know how that works.” -Scott

“It’s got fish heads and…wishes…” -Travis

 

“Seated next to her is Aldomir Vrasten who I will point out does NOT have a goatee!” -Scott

 

“I look him over too!” -Ugarth

“He looks you over back!” -Scott

“Make a Test of Wills!” -Travis

 

“It’s like when dogs meet and sniff each other’s butts.” -Joe

“Is it now?” -Travis

“Yes?” -Joe

“There are all kinds of subtexts to this interaction that make me really uncomfortable.” -Jay

 

“We might have to do something about that at some point.” -Joe

“What, kidnapping?” -Travis

 

“So in Season 2 of On Winter’s Edge, we’re mixing Vikings with Downton Abbey. ‘But Ilde, I’m in love with you!’ We can’t be together unless the Jarl gives us his permission to marry.’” -Jay

 

“The people’s republic of Winter’s Edgeistan!” -Adrienne

“WHAAAAT?!?!” -Jay

 

“I mean, I love me, I think I’m great, but I do think there are better monks for giving advice.” -Adrienne

 

“So apparently subject-verb agreement is not a fighter class benefit.” -Scott

“Nope. Gambling, yes. Grammar, no.” -Joe

“Once we get to hirsute women, we really do lose our train of thought.” -Travis

 

“Wait, did that all happen while I was gone???” -Travis

“Well, yah.” -Joe

“DAMMMIT!” -Travis

 

“You know if you are the only one who buys a horse, your horse is worthless?” -Scott

“Yah. :(“ -Joe

“It just becomes flavor text at that point. 300 silver flavor text.” -Travis

 

“Batman’s an asshole.” -Adrienne

“…Excuse me, -what?-” -Scott

“He’s a rich asshole but he’s cool or whatever” -Adrienne

“BATMAN DIED FOR OUR SINS” -Scott

“I.. don’t think he did… I’m pretty sure I have a Masters degree in not-that.” -Joe

 

TWENTY-SIXTH SESSION:

 

“Someone asked me how I felt about Jay Cutler getting signed, not that any of you care about this, and I responded with a Seinfeld gif.” -Adrienne

“I’m gonna go ahead and say I didn’t understand any of that.” -Wes

 

“Hooray! You’re aging!” -Wes

 

*DING*

“What the hell was that!?!?” -Scott

“It sounded like someone’s loud toast going off.” -Jay

“Oh I thought someone finished a news report from the 1950’s.” -Wes

 

“No I only mentioned two because the third was in the next clause of the sentence when I WAS INTERRUPTED!” -Scott

 

“I don’t think that random weather charts are actually an accurate representation of weather.” -Scott

“I actually think it is an accurate representation because have you seen weather.” -Adrienne

 

“I did spend all my money on rope, since my last rope got cut up to tie up orcs.” -Joe

“Well that’s what you’re sleeping under, Ugarth!” -Wes

 

“Yah, we don’t want Thyia in our tent. If she kicks in her sleep she’d like knock one of us out.” -Travis

 

“We chose you because we like you!” -Adrienne

“No you don’t. You only chose me so I will be away from you for months.” -Scott (as Ilde)

“But we didn’t choose you! Did we choose her? Did I miss something?” -Joe

 

“You see a rider in the fog and he’s not very happy about it.” -Wes

“Yah, let’s not ask him how he feels right now.” -Adrienne

“You know, I’m gonna level with you guys. I’m three months from retirement and you all know what is gonna happen.” -Scott

 

“I’m gonna turn in place and prepare myself for the fight.” -Adrienne

“You’re gonna draw your fists?” -Dan (off camera behind Adrienne)

“Yah, I’m gonna draw my fists.” -Adrienne

 

“WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE

THE RAVEN LADY DEPLOYED IT

UNTIL FLETCHER AVOIDED IT

WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE

WE WERE ALL JUST CHILLIN’

THEN: RECURRING VILLAIN”

-Travis (all to help hide the private messaging that went wrong)

 

“I wish you guys were real.” -Adrienne

 

TWENTY-SEVENTH SESSION:

 

“I’m excellent at hypocrisy!” -Adrienne

 

“These worlds…not so savage” – Joe

 

“And then Aralayne will deliver the message that she gave the mine to Dingus McSkippypants.” -Scott

“DIIIIINGUUUUS!!!” -Joe

“He was a really subtle write-in candidate. I really didn’t see that coming.” -Scott

 

“I want capital gains.” -Adrienne

“Do you?” -Scott

“No! I don’t even know what that is! But it sounds cool!” -Adrienne

 

“I’ll tell you what the wifi situation looks like at GenCon, it looks like 8,000 nerds all trying to hit the Internet at once.” -Travis

 

“It’s early spring, so the fields are filled with beautiful wild flowers.” -Scott

“I HATE THEM!” -Wes

“You are like the worst druid ever!” -Adrienne

“It’s not like I’m stomping them down, I’m just grumpily observing them.” -Wes

“I pissed off some flowers and now I can’t do magic.” -Joe

“Yah, you bad mouth the crocus, welp, there goes shapechange.” -Scott

 

“Remember, adventurers lead exciting lives. So…your life becomes exciting for a moment Daxil.” -Scott

 

“I think I’m gonna poke the one who doesn’t require armor as well.” -Travis

“Or weapons! I’m just badass.” -Adrienne

 

(intense joe is intense)

 

“How many spirit animals can our druid get mauled by in one day.” *singsongvoice* -Joe

 

Can we or can we not type at once…. I think….. I dunnoooooo

 

“Dax VERY reluctantly does not shoot anything or anybody.” -Travis

 

“And now in the way of my people, I will give it the strangle of friendship.” -Scott

 

“The wolf casts a baleful eye at Ugarth. Come on, trying to impart wisdom from the other world here.” -Scott

 

WOLF GROCERY LIST: unbroken web of a spider, bright yellow flower with white center, painted stones from the mountain (3 red, 1 blue, 2 white, 1 yellow), blood from a sabertooth tiger

 

“I was just thinking about wolves and pee.” -Joe

“I like that your idea of speaking with the sacred in my universe involves on peeing on things.” -Scott

“Theran isn’t so much a druid as a druidic intern.” -Scott

“He’s always sending messenger birds to the High Druid like ‘Is is three or four offerings at the last sliver of dawn or…?’” -Travis

“One day suddenly a whole flock of pigeons comes flying out of his tent and he’s like, ‘Dang it I hit reply all!’” -Scott

 

“Dan, can you roll up a character so I can kill it?” -Scott

 

“Yay, we did something recklessly brave!” -Joe

“Yah, we just happened to kill this sabertooth tiger.” -Wes

 

“I bear the mark of the One Who Fights the Current.” -Scott

“Is that a salmon?” -Joe

“He who fights the current to have sex and die.” -Travis

 

“Can we all pursue our spirit animals?!? We should all have spirit animals!” – Joe

 

“That’s what you get when you ask a salmon for advice.” -Scott

“I like to think that’s what Petrov would say as soon as we leave.” -Wes

“Yah, let’s give that one to Petrov.” -Adrienne

 

“Why didn’t we just fast travel?” -Travis

“Because I wrote flavor text!” -Scott

“Fair point, sir, fair point.” -Travis

 

“We had to travel at the speed of plot” – Travis

 

“I can only hope he’s whispering something like, ‘Your books are overdue.’” -Wes

“…And it’s time to collect the fines, old man!” -Scott

 

TWENTY-EIGHTH SESSION:

 

“It’s an amulet that would fit in your palm. I’m gesturing underneath the camera, so pretend that I’m gesturing.” -Scott

 

“Yes, that was math that just happened.” -Scott

“I just heard the old modem sound when you said that.” -Wes

 

“Oh yah, Theran has no depth perception now.” -Scott

“Objects our elf perceives may be closer than they appear.” -Adrienne

 

“So what do you all do then?” -Scott

“Farm. Sleep. Sleep Farm.” -Adrienne

“Can I have a sentence?” -Scott

 

“He basically has a hole in his face that you had to put a cork in.” -Scott

 

“I got waffles. Let’s go.” -Travis

“Yah, waffles are actually pretty high on my list of foods I would eat if I knew I was going to die soon.” -Scott

 

“He has about an acre of land.” -Scott

“How big is an acre.” -Adrienne

“Well, it’s about four times as big as a quarter acre.” -Scott

 

“As you approach the house, you hear the sound of cawing birds.” -Scott

“See guys, creepy shit.” -Adrienne

“Something sounds awfully familiar about this.” -Travis

“I said nothing.” -Scott

 

“what does the vecnite say? reeek deek deek a deek a deek a deek deeee reeek deek deek a deek a deek a deek-deek” – Travis

 

“It’s a book of elven mythologies. It’s like Jason and the Elvenauts.” -Scott

 

“Let’s investigate this damn thing.” -Travis

“After some brief, awkward Ioun flirting.” -Wes

 

“I love it when a plot hook comes along.” -Adrienne

 

“And yet somehow through the magic of………..magic……….the doors have not rotted away. Because dungeons have doors. I guess I could make it a bronze door. Yah. It’s a bronze door.” -Scott

*minutes later*

“The door has swelled with age..” -Scott

“…even though it’s bronze?” -Joe

“DAMMIT no it wouldn’t have.  Ahem.  The bronze doors have not changed with age at all.” -Scott

 

“I roll to disbelieve!” – Jay

(minutes later)

“I roll to disbelieve!” – Joe

 

“The room fills with an icy blast like some kind of blizzard. Wow, this is going to cost a lot of power points, but it’s so worth it.” -Scott

“That’s never good to hear.” -Joe

 

“Ooooh, use fire against ice, I see?” -Scott

“I’m gonna write a song about it.” -Joe

*adrienne loses it*

 

“Prepare for these tender administrations” – Joe

 

“Somewhere, an ogre’s wife waits for her husband to come home. Her kids ask where daddy is and she doesn’t know what to tell them.” – Jay

“…OK, don’t do that. :(” -Adrienne

 

TWENTY-NINTH SESSION:

 

“Miss you guys.” -Joe

(ok Joe you can’t do this again, you’re making us all EMOTIONAL and stuff)

 

“We need to figure out the source of the Vecnites’ evil powers and stuff.” -Adrienne

“…Vecna.” -Scott and Travis

“Dax and his d6 Investigation roll already puzzled that one out.” -Travis

“WE NEED TO KILL VENCA!” -Adrienne

 

“If you need to talk to Ugarth or Theran let me know.  They’re NPCs.” -Scott

“Tell me about your horse.” -Jay

“*gruff voice* I don’t have one yet but I’ve been saving for one. *normal voice* See, I’ve got it.” -Scott

 

“Theran says something dispagaring about the Gods.” -Scott

“$DIALOG_ELVEN_INSULT_ABOUT_GODS” -Jay in chat

 

“Speak Languages allows you to speak and read a language down to a specific dialect.  So you can read, like, Celestial in a Brooklyn accent.” -Scott

 

“Ugarth says something disparaging about logic puzzles.” – Scott

 

*brief diversion about whether Athena was a virgin or not*

“Meanwhile, back in this campaign setting…” – Travis

 

“If you really want to spend the time to dust this 100 foot corridor for pot shards…” -Scott

“Even in college I was never that desperate.” -Travis (who for the record does not/has not ever smoked marijuana, but he did go to college in a music department which shared the building with the drama department so yeah)

“……well played.” -Scott

 

“I don’t know if ‘We didn’t die’ really deserves a ‘woo!’.” -Adrienne

“I don’t think it does.” -Scott

 

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